Con Artists & Ladyboys abound.

Bangkok - what a place. So much to do and only 6 days to do it in!!! Good job we have a comprehensive timetable drawn up which can't be deviated from for any reason. Day 3 in the City of Angels was, well, a bit weird. Nothing like being scammed good and proper to get the day off to a happy start. There we were, making our way to Ko Ratanakosin - the ancient royal district where all the most famous sights are located. On the way there however, we met a friendly chap who stopped us for and started chatting away. He talked to us for a while about England and what a great country it was. Predictably this led to a discussion about football and he reeled off a few names...blah, blah, blah.

Then he asked us where we were going. "Oh, the palace is closed until 2 o'clock!" At this point, he started marking on our map all the other temples and places we could visit in the meantime. Apparently there was a special 3 day weaving fair in town, which we really shouldn't miss as all the Thais (and Stephen Hendry) went there. He then told us not be be ripped off by tuc tuc drivers "Only go with the ones with white number plates - yellow is bad - they charge too much." As he was pointing to a good mumber plate, a tuc tuc pulled up alongside us (much like the shopkeeper from Mr. Benn) and started bowing. We waved them off politely and went on our way. We knew not to trust people who declared that something was closed and besides, we had our schedule to stick to! We continued to see for ourselves, after all, we knew all the tricks now...

Walking a little further, we weren't far from the palace grounds. Then we were stopped once more by another well-dressed chap who was just SO nice. A law lecturer at the University we were standing beside, he told us he was very pleased to meet us, he loved English people and sure enough, before long the conversation turned to...Rooney this, Beckham that and general World Cup b******* ! It had happened agin - the boys were communicating through the international language of football. I zoned out a bit here as it was getting rather hot and humid and I became fascinated by the fact this man had two coins lodged in his ear. I just had to ask him why and it seems it was just for easy access. He demonstrated further by shoving a massive 10 Baht coin into his ear along with the other two. Obvious really.

Anyway, it seemed the last feller was right - he confirmed that the palace was indeed closed, but if we had a map, he could show us where we could visit instead. After scrawling over our lovely new map, he mentioned the same weaving place and some lesser-known wats in the area nearby. Mind you, we were to ensure we caught the right tuc-tuc and even took us to the edge of the road to demonstrate. As if by magic, a feller appeared and before we knew what had happened, our man had negotiated a fair price with the driver (40 Baht) and we were zooming round the streets of the city.

"Well Andy, you know some things you can't always control, you just have to go with it. Things like this happen for a reason."

We berrated The Book for all it's warnings of not trusting anyone who stops to chat to you in the streets of Bangkok. You have to trust some people right? WRONG! The mysterious weaving place turned out to be a tailor's shop. We literally walked in and walked back out again. Our very polite tuc tuc driver suddenly turned a bit nasty when we turned down his offer of taking us to a jewellery shop. He said he got free petrol if he took us there to "just look." I put up a very good argument and said it wasn't fair to use travellers in this way and he had made us into fools (though obviously we'd done that all on our own).

It became clear he wsn't going to back down and so I thought it best to just go with it as he'd developed a bit of a mental look in his eyes. As we pulled up outside the jewellery shop, there were several other tuc tucs parked outside. Their victims were all inside - we'd all been had. Actually opposite the shop was a woman sat at a small table. She was stamping petrol coupons for the drivers once they had brought in their prey! Unbelievable. The jewellery shop was full of huge diamonds (at least they looked like diamonds, who knows?) - with pricetags way above what normal people can afford. The staff all resembled huge mencing transvestites and we were out of there in a flash. The tuc tuc man drove like a maniac to get us back to the Khao San road.

Now, the question was - was this a rogue tuc tuc driver or had we become embroiled in a very intricate multi-fascited scam which started with the well-eduacted, smartly-dressed man outside the palace? It suddenly all made perfect sense, but maybe I was being paranoid. We checked at the hotel - the palace is open all day every day. As we returned to the palace grounds, I wondered if we might see the same blokes again. If we did, it would confirm our suspicions. We couldn't quite believe our eyes when we saw the first bloke collaring some poor unsuspecting Canadian girl. I steered her from his ploy and told her not to listen to him but to come with us - the palace wasn't closed and it certainly wasn't in the direction to which he was pointing.

The plot thickened as we spotted the second bloke - hiding from us in the park. We asked the "law lecturer" if he didn't have a class he should be teaching. He didn't quite know what to say or do, but was clearly very shocked to see us again. I considered contacting the tourist police, but felt that they probably wouldn't be interested...I mean, how many con artists must be operating in Bangkok? Although we hadn't lost any money, we were upset for three main reasons:

1. We'd been had!! Again! (You must agree - it was a very clever ploy - even Stephen Hendry
was fooled.)
2. Our faith in humanity had just been diminished another notch.
3. The schedule had been interrupted. We now only had an hour to see the whole of Ko
Ratanakosin!!

Still, onwards and upwards - the Grand Palace! It was glitteringly beautiful and grand. We had come prepared and brought long-sleeved tops and trousers with us (unfortunately, no more fishing trouser pics of Andy). The former monarch used to live in the Palace and its adjoining temple complex houses the famous Emerald Buddha. The 94.5 hectare grounds encompass more than 100 buildings. So in the afternoon heat, we pegged it around about 99 of the buildings and then forked out 240 Baht for a Haagan Daz (3 quid?! - that's more than I'm paying for accommodation!)

Close to the Palace is the wonderous Wat Pho. This provides shelter to the largest reclining Buddha in Thailand. The Buddha is 200 years old and represents the passing of Buddha into nirvana (also the death of Buddha). Wat Pho is also the national headquarters for teaching traditional Thai medicine and massage.

After our stressful day, I decided the best way to cheer us up was to go and see the Ladyboy Cabaret! Andy was somewhat nervous about the whole thing, but to make him less anxious, I picked the most expensive show - the Calypso Cabaret at the Asia hotel. Very posh and tickets cost 1,000 Baht (14 quid). We were in for a treat, I knew it. What I didn't anticipate, was the amount which my boyfriend enjoyed himself. I believe the last time he let his hair down in this manner was Karaoke night, Hiroshima circa Jan 2006.

I reckon you could make a decent trannie out of most men in this country. Oriental people are at least blessed with fine features and delicate frames - something I'm sure most of the Bounty Kitchen Roll Advert men in dresses around Brighton would die for. I'd heard that the ladyboys (or kathoey) were all pretty convincing - what I wasn't ready for however - was just how stunning they would be! I wouldn't have thought it possible to leave a trannie show feeling unglamourous and unfeminine, but I did! There are around 1,000 kathoey in Bangkok and comprise both transvestites and transgenders. Even on a CCU night out, I've never seen such fantastic legs or boobs...

Anyway, on with the show. The girls did a number of different acts - ranging from Broadway to Tina Turner. With the exception of one who looked a bit like the baddie on the tricyle from SAW, most were truly gorgeous AND sexy! There was one who looked just like Kylie and the dance routines, miming and costumes were a visual delight. We had pretty good seats, but thankfully we weren't sat right at the front as one bloke in the audience had a right night of it. There was a Barry Humphries type who kept giving him the eye and getting him up on stage - brilliantly entertaining.

I was wondering how I would get another classic Andy photo onto this blog. But I knew I had to manage it for you, the viewers. You don't understand the lengths I have to go to sometimes, but this time it was simple. He was right there at the end, "Quick Sam! Get a picture of me with these two...oh, but I like that one as well!" So here they are - the two best blog photos you'll ever see. Enjoy them and never let him forget...

Ladyboy Action