Everybody Needs Good Neighbours.

Hello from gorgeous Melbourne! Due to artistic map interpretation, the chosen route revealed a great mathematical problem, expressed in terms of hours. Rather than go via Canberra (boring), I decided we should take the coast road down to the state of Victoria from NSW. Being an extra 200km, I'd anticipated it taking a couple hours extra. 18 hours after departing the Sydney suburbs (rather than the estimated 9), the van atmosphere was being subjected to much swearing and an air of despondancy was looming heavily. Further annoyance occurred when we realised that the coastal route revealed very little in the way of coast. The primary driver was feeling the effects of having covered a total of 13,000 km, while the secondary driver tried to justify her measly 60km contribution over the past 8 weeks. But no time for this! We had a new city to explore and one which promised greatness in the fields of art and culture.

You might remember our friends Gino & Frankie whom we met diving in Borneo. They are living in Melbourne so we kind of invited ouselves to stay. Our first night here was one of much wine and beer, reminiscing about orang utans and eating Japanese. Unfortunately, Frankie is working in India at the mo, so we didn't get to see her and with Gino working all weekend, we set out on our own to negotiate the trams, feeling extra scruffy around the hords of Melbournians setting out in their glad rags for the Melbourne Cup horseraces. The races are a massive deal around here and it goes on for a week, with a public holiday and a big piss-up thrown in. The city itself is very exciting with lots of quite distinct regions. There's bohemian Fitzroy, upmarket Prahran and cosmopolitan Carlton. The first thing which struck us is the multicultural aspect of the city. There's a substantial Chinatown and we ended up watching a demonstration agianst communism in China and its shocking organ trade.

Gino & Frank live in St. Kilda which is basically very like Brighton for it's cafe-scene, rollicking pubs and tacky seaside amusements of Luna Park. It's a place full of life and there seems to be a tranquil co-existence between backpackers, trendy bars and restaurants and prostitutes. For all our travelling, and worldliness, it took us a while to catch on. One day we found ourselves in Grey Street, and while Andy stopped to make a phone call, I stood on the street corner and found quite a few people giving me the once-over. Well, I might not be as daringly dressed in my travellers uniform as the woman over the road in a tiny red dress slashed to the hip, but I was comfortable. And afterall, Melbourne weather is noriously warm one minute, raining the next. A couple of homeless people passed by and the people in the flash cars seemed to be cruising around quite slowly.... It slowly dawned on me that this was perhaps the red light district and perhaps I should be retreating from the corner.

An more respectable aspect of St. Kilda are the phenomenal cake shops of Acland Street. There are massive calorie-towers of cream and custard everywhere you look tempting you with a wedge of cheesecake, even though you've just conquered a greasy inferno of breakfast big enough for a family of three. We haven't been able to eat out much, so seeing and experiencing all this food was great, but how big are the portions here? Are we in Texas? Thank goodness for Melbourne's famous tram network, rescuing me from the indignity of having to be rolled into town. Offering to get you around Melbourne in a confusing and unpredictable manner, you finally end up somewhere near the town centre. There you can wonder at all this big buildings housing galleries and museums which you'll never have time to visit as it's just all too sociable here. One thing we did manage to squeeze in to the agenda was a visit to the gaol (Flan, I know you understand).

The Old Melbourne Gaol is famous for executing outlaw and cult hero Ned Kelly, along with 135 other nasty pasties. It also houses a gruesome array of their death-masks. These were made after the baddie was pronounced dead in order to examine the brain and cranium. "Phrenology" was used by the pioneers of criminology in the 19th centuary to determine whether they really had possessed an 'evil brain.' The skull was divided into 35 sections, linking each with specific physical, mental and moral characteristics. The area just above the ears was dedicated to 'destructiveness' and it was found that this region was very prominent in many of the death masks examined. Although it is now totally discredited as a science, it was well in vogue at this time and the phrenologist who examined the mask of Ned Kelly said he was a man clearly destined for a life of crime.


The loos were situated just by the gallows and I became very scared as a went in there just as the goal was closing. I convinced myself I could hear a low moaning noise, even though I was the only visitor left. When we were showing Gino the photos that night, I felt a nasty chill creep through my body. Looking at this photo (below) of Andy's floating head, I noticed an ominous figure floating spookily down the opposite gaol corridor. There had been nobody else in the frame - I'd specifically waited until the coast was clear for my shot. Worse still, the figure seems to be headless and without hands. Closer inspection on the computer revealed another terrible sighting - that of what I reckon to be Ned Kelly's ghost - look at the far right of the photo. I'm totally not winding anyone up here. Please believe me, as nobody else has so far. There is also a light orb on the right hand side, for anyone interested in such phenomena, condsidered by many to be the spirits of the dead.

An exploration of Chinatown and the wonders of BYO booze sorted out our hangovers from the previous night. The next day, we met Jason & Jodie who were nurses in Brighton during their travels 3 years ago. We were very excited about meeting up and a bit of a day-long session ensued involving lots of food and booze. Jason did remarkably well considering he's rolled in at 8 that morning after the races! The evening culminated in a legendary burger (our second) and a longing need for bed. It was great to see them, the non-stop talking only punctuated by frequent trips to the bar. Gino has the comfiest sofa-bed imaginable - so nice after so long in the Scooby Doo. And not having to go outside with a torch on your head for the loo in the middle of the night is a long-forgotten luxury.

Monday night at the Elephant & Wheelbarrow is Neighbours night! Can you imagine the excitement as we headed down to the pub, willing to depart with 25 dollars each for the opportunity to meet Neighbours stars past and present at the popular trivia night! Having already rehersed what I was going to say to Harold Bishop, I'd even bought a new cardie for the occasion and some good idea at the time shoes. Gino's mate Hannah works in the pub and apparently The Bishop is a bit of a letch and loves all the attention. What a photo opportunity for the blog awaited us! Carl Kennedy also plays with his jazz band down there and Lou Carpenter is another regular on a Monday night. Lou Carpenter! The man who most resembles those dinosaurs in vests and no pants on that kids programme which used to be on on a Sunday tea-time. Heids knows what I'm on about - what was it called?? All the excitement and tension was rising as we approached the pub. But, we'd spent too long scoffing Gino's great curry to get there in sufficient time. It had sold out! Seemed that Paul Robinson (Don' It Make Ya Feel Guuud?) was headlining that night, along with Sky and Stingray (?) Clearly much has happened since the red-back spider incident for Sky and I'm sorry to have missed it. This above all, is another reason to return to Melbourne one day! Oh, and the art galleries, and Fitzroy and Ramsey Street itself.

The Great Ocean Drive is one of the things everyone tells you is a must-see. It's basically a long stretch of road from about Anglesea to around Port Fairy, south of Melbourne. It was another grey day and the secondary driver was knackered and so not in the mood. Well, all in all it wasn't that great until we got to the bit called the 12 Apostles, which was truly gorgeous. The rest of it you can keep. You basically risk crashing 'cos you're so into looking at the ocean and indeed 350 people have done in the last 5 years. The place would have been perfect were it not invaded by coach-loads of Koreans taking 200 photos and basically getting in the way of yours. It was bitterly freezing, so we took the snaps and then headed off.... for a bit.

Earlier in the day, all the warning lights had been illuminated on the van's dashboard. Andy didn't seem particularly concerned so we had a row about it as I forced him to phone someone (I didn't care who). The feller he spoke to said that if the oil and water were OK and it was running OK not to worry about it. I had one of those intuitive feelings which are usually discredited but somehow this was different. As we did a quick u-turn to take a picture of this pesky Echindna, a kind of anteater, we realised that the we couldn't re-start the engine. The battery seemed totally flat, which was a bit weird as we'd been merrily driving along only seconds before.

The Echidna was quite happily snuffling around in the grass, but we were totally stuck and in the middle of nowhere. Trouble was, we didn't have a mobile to call for help. Luckily, a friendly cyclist stopped and said we could borrow his phone... when he found out what we did for a living, he even offered a place to stay for the night, being the grateful recipient of some recent cardiac care! Well, he seemed very nice, but we called for recovery instead and we towed miles away to a dodgy place called Colac. Thankfully they had a cinema, to alleviate the boredom of sleeping in the van parked in the street outsude the garage. We watched an arthouse film called Jindabyne (more murderous Aussie antics). Next day we had to wait about 8 hours to get a new alternator fitted, before heading back to Melbourne. So, thanks to yet more van trouble, we lost a day to Colac! We didn't get to cook Gino that meal to say "Thanks so much for having us!" So sorry about that Gino - it was great seeing you and thanks again!

Next week on www.andyandsam.blogspot.com : Will the van make it to Syney?

Now reading : Water for Elephants by Sarah Gruen.