Pulau Tioman

A very frustrating last day in KL! I had 40 quid nicked from our room, undoubtedly by the maids - a final assault on my well-bashed credit card. Security are "looking into things" but this was the last thing I expected of a 5 star establishment. O.K. so I left the money on the bed (accidentally), but figured they wouldn't dare take it for fear of loosing their jobs (or their hands). It's not nice having your Ringgit pinched, I can tell you. We made the 10 hour bus and ferry journey to Pulau Tioman. I was as surprised as anyone else to find that we were all still intact after the kamikaze driver proved how you can actually drive on the right hand side of the road and even though you have THREE near misses, you still make it O.K. Must have thought the English girl who berrated him for "driving like a maniac" and could he "PLEASE slow down!!" was quite insane (who, me?).

Pulau Tioman was used as the setting for the film South Pacific in the 1950s and later voted one of the "Top 10 islands of the world." However, this was in the 1970s and I suppose a lot can happen in 30+ years. We know we've been spoiled after the Perhentian Islands and we know we're feeling a touch homesick after the kids' departure, but the fact that I received 50 (exactly 50) bites on the first day didn't help chivvy me along. Sandflies are apparently endemic to the islands beaches and to top that, a swarm of flying ants appear to have descended on us overnight. During-the-night cold showers and a dip in the sea provide my only sanction. And it's raining again. The choice of accommodation is, as an Australian man once succinctly put it, "A Shit Fight." We planned to spend a week here, but are calling it a day ater only 72 hours. Just check out the musty pink mozzie net and damp walls...and is it within health & safety guidelines that the shower should be plumbed into the toilet cystern? All for 6 quid a night, you can't go wrong. Here's Andy (bless him), trying to look enthusiastic.

During a period when the sun came out yesterday, we ventured out to the reef with our snorkelling gear. The coral isn't quite as stunning, nor the fish quite as plentiful but it wasn't long before we happened upon a huge turtle! Andy began splashing about as though he was fitting, but once I'd calmed him, we actually managed to swim with him for about ten mintes. It was a magical few moments and I really did feel as though he liked us! I felt sure he was about to ask us to stay for tea, when Andy signalled we should go back to get an underwater camera. There's something about boys getting over-excited. I recall a similar situation on the Perhention, whereby I foolishly shouted "Shark!!" to my fellow snorkel-buddies. I'd literally glimpsed the creature for a few seconds, when the two Andrews came hurtelling through the water at breakneck speed, leaving Em & I in in the wake of a million bubbles and a face full of (size 10) fins. Then they chased the poor thing out of sight. Little wonder that when I next spotted one, I whispered to Em and we were able to watch him for maybe a minute or more. Another mysterious difference between boys and girls.

Then, on our return to shaw, we saw another turtle - almost bumped into him in fact! Such a relief when you see something that big in the sea and it turns out to be something lovely (rather than a predator of sorts). Tioman itself is actually shaped like a turtle, which I like. We're staying on the beach of Kampung Air Batang on the North West side of the island (periliously close to the turtle's head). Last night we visited the Northern-most bay of Salamat, just to check there wasn't something we were missing. The terrifying speedboat journey in the pitch black was the best bit about the evening, though it did cross my mind the possibility of being speared by a jumping Longtom (needlefish). We've seen plenty of them whilst snorkelling, and they seemed like harmless baracuda. Apparently though, there have been a few instances where they've jumped out of the water and speared night-fishermen to their death!!

One thing which is mandatory when you enter these islands, you have to pay a "marine conservation" fee. Brilliant, I'm all for that and it sounds quite progressive by Asian standards. But when the tourist industry is booming, only one thing matters and that's money, not poor little Nemo. Seeing a scary amount of dead coral washed up on the beach is one thing, seeing a baby shark in line for the BBQ is another. And this doesn't go near the number of places with shark-fin soup on the menu. Every Chinese restaurant in every Chinatown proudly displays it on menus and for as little as a few quid a time.

I'd like to digress here to make you all feel better. Travelling isn't always about having a great time. Sometimes, you have to endure rankness along the way (pink nylon hotels aside). All part of the "journey," but truthfully, not a facet I enjoy. Some time has elapsed since the glory days of Japanese toilets. Knowing how you all love a toilet tale, here is a classic example of a public Asian bog. I wouldn't have thought it necessary to detail the instructions for use at this juncture, but I can tell you that it in fact involves a degree of skill and dexterity to keep your trousers clear of other peoples secretions. Invariably there is nowhere to put your bag and on the occasion that there is, you simply wouldn't risk it. The following method has been discoved by trial-and-error over the past 5 months; all steps must be adhered to.

1. Check all vaccinations are up-to-date.
2. Ensure you have tissues.
3. Prepare senses by a) allowing eyes to become accustomed to the dark, b) begin mouth -breathing c) try to ignore presence of flies/wasps/mosquitoes/bats.
4. Put bag around neck with tissues in one hand.
5. Set about complicated mission of wrapping trousers in your own pants whilst simultaneously pulling them down. This will ensure they are not in danger of trailing in the dysentry/cholera/hepatitis concoction.
6. Face the right direction- facing against the slope of the porcelaine will mean that splash-back will ensue - a terrible prospect.
7. Using the tissue to protect from cross-infection, hold door closed with one hand. If the door does happen to have a lock, DO NOT use - this could be your last ever mistake.
8. Upon completion (you will know from experience that a combination of starvation and dehydration are necessary whilst on the road, to ensure such visits are shot-lived and as infrequent as possible. Avoidance of hot curry the night before also beneficial), rise carefully and do all of above steps in reverse order.
9. Take water from the pail and sluice down the lav (no point in this particular case).
10. In case you want to "do it like the locals" you can use thie water for a spot of personal duching. (Yeah, right)
11. Retreat quickly from the scene of the nightmare and get your wet-wipes at the ready.
12. Resume normal respiration only when in open-air.
13. Don't forget to pay the lady on the way out (quite what for, I'm unsure).

On a wing and a prayer, we're off to the sterile comforts of Singapore. No germs, just shopping, Raffles and cocktails...how civilised.