Bored in Brunei

"Lets go to Brunei for the weekend!" Sounded very exotic, especially as I thought Brunei was in the Middle East somewhere. Must be something to do with the oil connection. Well, it was on the way, so we popped in...and quickly popped back out the other side. As one of the smallest and richest countries in the world, it's a bit of a funny place. After 48 hours we legged it in search of something interesting to do (and O.K. we were desperate for a beer). You see, the old Sultan has made it a dry country, though we have it on good authority that he gambles and drinks like the best of us. This gem of gossip came courtesey of our taxi driver at 6:30 this morning. A mental Chinese on speed, he was well into his sixties and an avid ballroom dance teacher. Compared to us two who were wilting and knackered on the back seat, he cut quite an animated character who enjoyed gesticulating with both hands as he drove us to the ferry terminal. We might not have been in the mood for his banter, but this was actually one of the most amusing things that happened to us during our 48 hour in Negara Brunei Darussalam.

In order to bring booze into the country, you have to apply for a special license. This enables you 12 cans of beer and a bottle of the hard stuff for personal consumption only. Now, we weren't that desperate but we knew that because of the enforcement, it would be the first thing we fancied. A similar experience to being on-call for the weekend. Except being on- call is a lot more fun. Maybe this is unfair, there is more to tell...

The other thing of note was that Andy ordered a "Club Sandwich" for lunch yesterday. Looking forward to a sarnie packed full of delights and held together with cocktail sticks, he was a little disappointed with the ensemble that was set before him. There instead of the usual fillings, was a pile of dry toast. There with the toast was a little dish of marmalade and another of honey. This was complimented with a side of chips. Of course it was rather hilarious watching the poor feller explain that "where we come from, that's not a club sandwich." The explanation of there being "no ham" (there's a wonder) did nothing to appease a hungry Andrew. Realising I'd have to share my chicken murtabak soon shut me up.

Apart from that, we took a water taxi driven by a serial killer. In fact they all look like serial killers. I don't know if this has anything to do with "Wolf Creek," but you certainly look at people in a different light. If you haven't seen it you must - especially before we reach Oz (except Mum & Dad). Based on a true story, it's about three backpackers who break down in the middle of nowhere and are 'rescued' by a mental. It's in the post to Heidi as we speak. But really you don't have any other choice in Brunei...there are no land taxis and the buses are quite confusing. Set on the river is a series of very interesting stilt villages, an area known as Kampung Ayer and often decsribed as "Venice of the East." I note they also said this of Hanoi. We set about exploring the villages along the wooden walkways as our request to be taken to the Palace had been unsuccessful. We hopped aboard, and the little feller said he's take us to the Palace. Upon reaching the Palace, he just stopped the boat in the middle of the river. Explaining that we wanted to get and have a look around the place, he said there was nowhere for us to alight. Excuse me, but are we back in Thailand? O.K so he didn't murder us but with his T-shirt over his head like that, he was doing a good impression of a sea-bandit.

So while the Sultan is rolling in money, the stilt villages clearly are not. There are 28 villages in Kampung Ayer and around 30,000 people live there. Despite their appearance on the outside though, they're actually quite nice inside - with satellite T.V. and everything else. The people were certainly very friendly, especially the little kids. I worried that they could all swim, as it looked very easy to fall in...no wonder booze is a no-no. In addition to brightly painted homes, there were shops, cafes and businesses. Juxtaposing the ramshackle, is the majestic Omar Ali Saifuddien Mosque (above) which is named after the 28th Sultan. It was the nicest mosque we've seen so far in SEA and very photogenic as the clouds rolled over and warned us of an impending thunder storm. I wanted to go inside, while Andrew elected to stay on the periphery. It wasn't long before I was presented with a massive black gown to make me decent. Although it was very hot and itchy, it was still preferable to all the stares I'd been getting wandering around the town. Though I dress quite decently, I can't bring myself to cover my arms when it's 40 degrees hot. And it doesn't do any good - they all seem to be gagging for it.

Knowing we were in for rain, we headed by water taxi to the Brunei Museum. I sold it to Andy on the basis of there being a stuffed animal contingent on display. Speeding off in a water taxi, the feller gave me an umbrella and proceeded to put on a So'wester. As we soildiered on into the looming darkness, the weather changed dramatically and the storm commenced. Soaking wet and wind-blown, we arrived at the museum resembling North Sea fishermen. To make things worse, the taxidermy collection was under rennovation and we had to endure the "History of Oil" instead. There were some rather gorgeous Qu'aran in the Islamic Art section which was full on very beautiful antiques, but little else besides. Oh, apart from a group of mannequins demonstrating a male circumcision. Not that it was graphic or anything (not in Brunei!) but you could tell from his face.

That evening we were too knackered to explore the country's nightlife. With no bars or pubs and no nightlife, it's a pretty quiet place, so we had a heavy pizza session instead. This induced a meat-feast-related coma which lasted for 11 hours and even then I had to haul myself out of bed...could there have been some Cambodian influence in the recipe? Forcing ourselves, we worked out the bus system (there are no bus stops, you just flag one down wherever) and headed for the Jame'asr Hassanal Bolkiah Mosque. A stunning example of Islamic artistry, we wandered around its exterior in awe of its opulence. And thankfully there was nobody there to shroud me in black and hide my womanliness! We also had a jaunt around this place - lets call it the "Pink and Green Mosque" as I don't know it's name.

Even though it was the Sultan's 60th birthday, we didn't see the processions or fireworks that were supposed to be happening. His picture is all over the place and I think he's quite handsome. Sort of looks like Andy when the beard's right. He's got a brother - Prince Jefri or someone, who was exiled to England for squandering several billion of the country's wealth. Ballroom-dancing-"look-no-hands"-speed-freak says it was something to do with very expensive prostitutes... Other sources suggest he was purchasing bog brushes made of gold and lots of fancy hotels, a 50-metre yacht called Tits and a fine pair of speedboats - Nipple I and Nipple II!

While we may have only been to the capital of Brunei - Bandar Seri Begawan (or BSB as it's known), we'd seen the main sights. As oil is the big earner here, the surrounding areas of rainforest and rivers remain in pristine condition as logging is not big business (thankfully). However, we're making for Malaysian Borneo again as we already know it's gorgeous and they have bars stocked with ice-cold beer...