Ko Phang Ngan

We'd decided to bite the bullet and stay on Haad Rin, the beach which hosts the famous Full Moon parties. We'd checked the luny calendar and knew we were out of the danger zone. Each month, the thought of getting seriously wasted on a beach full of 10,000 other crusties appeals to many. We all know what happens when you ram a beach full of party people (Fat Boy Slim, Brighton beach 2003). Every year people drown, od and worst of all, poi all over the place. Normally I'd be right in there, but I have my elderly traveling companion to consider... I think he had been very happy with my choice of accommodation. He's a little more relaxed about money these days, which is excellent news for me. I'd managed to soften him up by preparing some "Northern Tapas," created using some English sausage, cheese and crisps, accompanied by a big bottle of Singha. Mostly I took control of the hammock as it made see-faring Andrew feel sick. We've even bought one for that time which exists in my head of when we'll own a house with a big garden containing conveniently-positioned trees. I checked his safety net before publishing this photo...

Our "luxury bungalow," on Kho Phang Ngan turned out to be somewhat of a Barbara Cartland nightmare. Cosseted on all sides by peach curtains, it provided us with an eerie warm glow at all times of the day and night. The electricity supply on the island is unpredictable and we endured many mini power cuts during our time there. Each time the A/C cut out and you had to reset it again on average 7 times a night. One windy night we spent watching Psycho, and got scared silly by the shadows shimmying from the night, through the peach and into our bedroom. The night after Psycho, it took me ages to drift off, then when I eventually did, I woke up at 4am to discover somebody trying to get in the patio door! Obviously I could tell from their shadow that it was just a pissed up girl and not a murderer, but it was still alarming (we've all seen "Monster"). Anyway, she sharpish realised she's got the wrong bungalow and wobbled on her way. Before long a bloke came onto the balcony and started crawling along the ground... things were starting to pick up on the eerie front.

After telling him to"get knotted" it wasn't long before it happened again - somebody shuffling round on the floor. That was it - he was obviously trying to steal my now rancid Birkenstocks and Andy's torrid brown "Gay Uncle," sandals (he's still persisting with them, Em), so I went out and retrieved our precious footwear. After a cursory scout round for planted explosives revealed nothing worrying - I even shook out the hammock to check it hadn't been used as an emergency bog. Relieved to find that no deposits had been made, we tried our best to get back to sleep. All in all, this proved quite tricky as no less than 7 people visited us that night! All trying their best to get in our house!! I reasoned that perhaps they were having a party and had told people the wrong number, but the last visitor was particularly worrying. He crept VERY quietly un the stairs and tried the door with expertise. That was enough, Andy was out of bed to defend our territory admirably wearing his threatening lemon shorts. He caught sight of a Thai bloke running away. "It's O.K. babe, I've scared him off - reckon it was a burgler this time." Oh great, then the alarm went off at 5:30 signaling the start of our Very Long Journey, and the continuation of what was a bizarre 24 hours.

Our journey to Phuket in order to fly back to Singapore for our connecting flight to Perth, took an annoying 14 hours. In my wisdom, I hadn't realised you cou fly from Ko Samui, which would have been much easier and a damn sight quicker. So we're endured taxi-ferry-tuc tuc-bus-tuc tuc-bus instead. Apparently it's not the destination, but the journey (is this what they mean?) In Southern Thailand, they're quite fond of herding you about all over the place. This involves you having to wear a colour-coded sticker which indicates your destination and being ushered in big groups (often by someone with a flag or umbrella - something I always vowed to never be part of - like a SAGA trip). All very annoying and with people behaving like children ie. wanting to go to the loo (I can empathise with that), wanting to buy water, putting their bag in the wrong place, not walking in line and being cheeky to the teacher etc. (LOOK at my eye-bags on that one!)

O.K. so it's 6am and we're at stage one of the herding procedure. We get bundled into a minibus by a fat Thai guy who just grunted at us. We weave our way through the streets of KPN, dodging dogs and trolleyed Westerners. Then the bloke pulls up in the midst of a particularly wasted bunch of Italians who can't decide whether they want a taxi or not. They were in a reet state and I didn't much fancy being puked on, but he continued touting for business. Hang on mate, we've paid our fare, for the combined ticket from here to Phuket, just take us to the ferry! Anyway, he got really angry really quickly - all this business about SE Asians not wanting to loose face by loosing their temper is total bull - tuc tuc drivers always seem to be having a go at us! He was demanding 50 Baht each if we wanted to go straight to the ferry. We just laughed at him along with a couple of Ozzies who were with us, which angered the beast in him even more. Proceeding to drive like a TOTAL nutter through the winding cliff roads, he banged the music (shit Asian pop) up to full volume and put his foot down. Killing a chicken on the way, the only reason we didn't do more damage is because nobody else was on the road at that time of the am. We asked him to slow down but all we got was an increase in music volume and more of a rant. Relieved to have survived another journey, we legged it to a kindly sandwich lady (we didn't pay him). The lady made a roaring trade from making sanwiches filled with fresh air (more commonly known as 'bread') but at least she was friendly.

Rest of journey uneventful, and we arrived in Phuket with an hour to spare before the Newcastle game. Our stuff parked in a scary hotel which smells of the unlikely combination of turnips and talc, we went for a bit to eat. Three times a day, for the last 7 months, Andy has studied the menu intently, before eventually settling upon a Sprite or a "normal coffee" as he puts it. This is day time beverages obviously, at night it's always the local beer - never any different. Clearly sick of my taunting of him about this point, I eye him with amusement as he orders a "Singha beer with Fertilized Sweet Lemon." "What?" which is pretty much what the waitress said too, except it came out more like "You really want that one, yes?" I knew it was going to be good. Imagine when, quite some time later, after much whizzing and whirring (and stifled giggling) from the kitchen it is produced, in all its glory. It not only resembled one of those "cocktails" you made as a kid by mixing orange juice with milk, but it tasted worse, like sick.

It was never supposed to be an easy day, more of a challenge, but ordering dinner was even more troublesome. Deciding upon the "Phuket sausage," Andy (quite reasonably) asked for it to come with sticky rice balls. So ensued a big drama with waitress and other diners who were helping to translate. "You want 2 dishes?" Well, kind of - yes, I suppose so. Turns out that Phuket sausage is actually rice rolled into a sausage. Despite all the fuss, I was glad we hadn't been dealt up a Phuket special with a ball on either side. The mood would only have been even darker, when the new Newcastle striker fell over with a poorly leg.

All in all, I have mixed feelings about Thailand. Had we come here as a first destination, we might have felt differently as it sort of 'introduces' you to SE Asia. But what we've seen (and we appreciate our experience has been limited) of the islands, it's all a bit Costa del Sol and the people are a bit miserable - no wonder really - some travelers are so rude!! We'd have liked to have gone to the Similan Islands and generally seen some of the Andaman coast such as Krabi and Phi Phi, but it's monsoon season here at the moment, so best avoided. We have turned into total beach snobs, which doesn't help. The food is stunning and we enjoyed Bangkok and Chiang Mai, but unless you're armed and have had your rabies vaccinations, avoid the hells of Ayuthaya! Sunrise beach was nice on KPN, but rather busy and we can unfortunately report the appearance of two Friends bars (a la Vang Vieng) and what seemed to be Pig Dog's not-quite-so-massive younger sister.

So we're off to see the wizard in a few days... I think the timing is right. I just need to export some chilli to feed my ever-spiraling habit (it just has to bring on a sheen), and we'll be on our way.




Currently Reading: Dead Air by Iain Banks